It Still Hurts!

06 Oct

Saturday, October 6, 2012

If you hear a voice within you saying:
“You are not a painter,”
Then by all means paint. . .
and that voice will be silenced
~~ Vincent Van Gogh

Don’t tell me that you understand, don’t tell me that you know …
Don’t tell me how I will survive, how I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.

Don’t come at me with answers, that can only come from me …
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.

Don’t stand in pious judgment, of the bonds I must untie …
Don’t tell me how to suffer, don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see …
But I need you and I need your love unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share …
Just hold my hand and let me cry and say
“Pami … I care.”.

The cycle of life seems to be on a loop tormenting those I love and myself. There is so much regret and so much blame without very little redemption.

My silence does not condone what is going on, or what has happened in the past – my silence is simply one of someone so tired of the fight within, that all I can do is continue working on finding a way out, to create a life that is extraordinary for myself and my “lil family”. We deserve that – my sisters and brothers, and each member of their families, deserves a life filled with the extraordinary.

I will not let my heart and head play sides with anyone. I just wish for peace, for everyone.

Call me naive – call me whatever name pops into your mind … I don’t care …I know that the new year is almost upon us. A new beginning and soon. And I have much to look forward to in the future. Whether or not I look back on this time of loss with a blurred vision, trying to block out all of the things that went wrong – who knows. I am the Queen of Starting Over. What better day to start over than today, true?!

I dwell like a pool … reflective and deep,
And far ‘neath the surface, my “true self” I keep.
So long as your reasons are false and untrue …
I’ll keep myself distant and hidden from you.
Strike my surface in anger … my flow re-arrange …
But my depths are unmoved, and my heart you can’t change.
Bend over the pool… and as most people do …
Look shallow – look quick … and you’ll see only “you”.
But if deeper you’d search and thoughtful you’d be …
You’d look beyond “self” … then you could see me.
The answer’s so simple – just trace back my Source…
I’m a matter of Truth – not a question of force.

~Do You Hear Her Whispers?~


Posted by on October 6, 2012 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “It Still Hurts!

  1. Anonymous

    October 14, 2012 at 6:27 pm

  2. pamif

    October 20, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    It Still Hurts … I miss you Mommy so much!!


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