My sissy/cuzzie passed away a little over a month ago.
I found out a Monday at work.
One minute, I was ranting about our perpetual existential crises and life stresses, and the next, I was hearing the heartbreaking news. Suddenly, the ranting and raving that took place only minutes before dissipated; reality struck me like a gust of cold wind that shook me to the core.
Time seemed to stand still between those minutes, as if preparing me for the gut-wrenching feeling of being paralyzed by grief.
Young death is an unfathomable tragedy that often reminds you of the brevity of life. It’s sudden, and it’s swift, and it shakes you so deeply, and with such force, that you can’t help but feel profoundly betrayed by the world that’s supposed to keep you safe and let you grow old with the people you love.
The universe often works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it? That day for me was a fog. It was working through a long work day, and then a long drive home, asking what’s the point. What’s the point in all of this? She didn’t ask for this. I was repeating to myself over and over again, why?
I somehow ended up at the grocery store with no list or plan in mind. I was walking down each aisle, angry at all of the people filling their carts with the proper fixings for a meal. It was the desperate feeling of wanting everyone around me to stop what they were doing and feel even a fraction of what I was feeling. I was praying for a familiar face to come up to me and say I get it, I get it. I’m hurting for you too.
This hurts so much. It’s not fair. It’ll never be fair.
They’ll never know those special moments that you will hold onto when the grief gets bigger and the anniversary of death gets further away.
And they don’t know how much you are kicking yourself over and over again for somehow allowing the last conversation that ever passed your lips between the two of you to be about visiting soon. Soon is a concept I’ve become all too well acquainted with. I’ll get to it soon. I’ll call them back soon. Let’s hang out soon. Sometimes, soon never does come.
One month since you’ve been gone.
One month and a few days actually and it feels like forever, and like no time at all. It’s longer than we’d ever gone without talking or texting.
I still do not believe you are gone.
Yet, you remain, everywhere … On my cell phone under “favorites”, my Facebook, my address book, in pictures, but most of all, in my heart!!
Thank you for giving me one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever known …you!!
My Sweet Darlene
You will never walk any road alone
You have me by your side
You have the love of many family and friends
We will help you keep your stride
You brighten up our dreary lives
You sing an angels note
And if you ever gave up now
Then I would give up hope
You have so much to live for
You’ve spread love right from the start
You make us feel there is happiness for all
With the love that comes from your heart
You’re one of my reasons for loving
Thank you my sweet baby Doll
When your illness gets you down at times
Remember you are loved in this world
In the end when God calls us
And we look him in his eyes
It’s not what people do for us
It’s how we were loved in our lives
Copyright © 2015 Tianna Filley All Rights Reserved
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